A Tribute

This post is dedicated to my medical class of 2010 especially 3 special friends in that class; Jess Rule, Laura Kempe and Azra Ghoor. I have spent 3 years angry and sad at what I haven’t been able to do and the way I have been forced (by an unfair medical condition) to live my life. However with the help of a it of support, encouragement, plenty of laughter and of course my red socks my mindset is shifting. This is why I need to thank the above people for incredible love and support at a time (3 years ago) when I struggled to see it and accept it.

Let me start with my medical class.  I have been unable until now to appreciate my graduation ceremony all because I was and have been focused on how it should have been…

“Sarah Nicole Whitehead”… My name was announced and my close friend linked arms with me and we started to move towards the stage. I remember thinking to myself “don’t look at the dean, focus on the vice chancellor and the friend at your side”. This thought was followed closely with a plea to the universe not to let me fall or trip. This was a moment 6 years in the making – 6 years of hard work at medical school. I couldn’t believe I had made it and I also struggled to accept that I was needing my friend to walk with me onto the stage to graduate.

As I started moving I heard the clapping beginning exactly the way it had happened for every graduate before me. We took it slowly and I made it up the stairs without a hitch. We had practiced this the day before. We had a run through in the hall, with a cleaning lady brought in as the vice chancellor to cap me. Our first attempt had ended with me falling backwards (not off the stairs luckily and giving those in the room a glimpse of my lovely lacy panties). My friend was horrified she’d let me fall and I tried to be positive and joke that with that fall out the way now no others should happen. Returning to graduation day, I was capped, turned around to be hooded and although I heard the clapping get louder my vision was blurred to all except the caring, steady support offered by my friend. She and I made our way from the stage and as we circled the hall the clapping continued. I wondered momentarily why the next name was not being called but I was too tense and focused on my walking. To get back to our front row seats we had to walk down the centre aisle which for someone with walking issues looked like Westminster Abbey’s aisle (HUGE). As we started down it my friend said me “and now we get married”. I laughed and probably drew in a breath for the first time since my name had been read out. We got back to our seats and my friend squeezed my hand… we made it.

Outside after the ceremony there was great celebration and excitement as Cape Town’s newest doctors hugged and congratulated one another. I found my parents in the crowd and my mom threw herself into my arms and my dad enveloped my in a big bear hug.

Celebration time! Cape Town’s newest doctors of 2010!
After many hugs, photos and congratulations we slipped away to where our car was parked. On the drive home the three of us had a postmortem discussion of the ceremony. My mom mentioned the ovation I got. In my focused, tense state I hadn’t noticed but I received a standing ovation from my class and numerous others in the packed hall.

 I kept looking at that certificate that said that I was officially a doctor. It was a bittersweet day though because as happy and excited as I was to be graduating, the way it happened was not how I had imagined or wanted it to happen. I would have wanted to walk up there to be capped and hooded unaided and confident. Life or my life has been a rollercoaster ride of the good and the bad.

May be 3 people in my class knew the details of my condition and a handful knew about my struggles towards the end of my final year. Nevertheless to a man (woman) the class stood up in their graduation gowns and applauded me. Looking back having realized that I need to start living the life I have now, (instead of being angry and blocking out what didn’t go the way I had planned) I appreciate just how much a show of support that ovation was.

The next thanks must go to that brave and loyal friend who helped me during the ceremony. Jess Rule I’ll never forget what you did for me and how you did it!

Jess and I…. We made it together!

I have such a clear memory of Jess, Laura and Azra sitting around my patio table a few days after I was told I couldn’t practice medicine. The three of them sat there with grim expressions and tears in their eyes’. In my state I couldn’t fully appreciate their show of friendship, love and support. They are all around 5’4 but are living proof that dynamite comes in small packages.

So I’m on a journey. It’s not an easy one but I am starting to see how I can try make it easier. Shifting my mindset from disability to ability has been the biggest step. I was told a month ago “don’t ever sit on your dreams.” Well I think I’ve been sitting on some of mine because I haven’t been able to accomplish them in the way I would without a developmental venous anomaly. I have also been nervous about other’s reactions to my doing things a little differently. Through my job, and the joy, fun and energy red socks has brought to staff and patients, I have started to see that, so what if I do it differently? These people sure as hell don’t mind and seem to enjoy my way of doing things. Therefore I intend to never sit on a dream again!!!

A smile like this one from a patient having just received her red socks from me, is all the proof I need!